Dear Readers,
I Love Florence but really more as a vacation, vacations are different you go up for a few days meet a few people perhaps on the way and then you never have to see them again. you say you will stay in touch but it really never ends up happening. That is what most of my life has consisted of meeting people and then saying goodbye. This summer i lost my best and only friend i had with me throughout high school. I guess you could say it was irreconcilable differences.In losing her as my friend a part of me dreaded meeting new people and still does how can you be friends with someone for almost 5 years and then just up and leave? how is there a chance of even forming friendships when in the end nothing lasts? same goes for relationships.
I have lost every childhood friend i have ever had all because i brought it on myself, i had to suffer and i couldn't just let myself be happy. I look in mirrors every day with disgust at myself trying to find that one feature even if its just my eye color to appease me but it never does. I have shamed myself far too many times that sometimes i don't even know who i am anymore. I'm at a crossroads now in a new country and instead of finding the silver lining of what is good in life even if it is not me. i am in dread of seeing the one thing that makes me happy for fear that i won;t be able to find anything else. I would love to write about art and the passion it brings me but where is the passion if i am dreading one of the only things that make me happy.
I feel alone and yet i'm so numb in feeling alone that maybe its what is best. Artist are tormented people i myself have been tormented since i was seven. i'm not good enough i don;t know if i will ever be, critiques terrify me, actually my own art work does because it never feels good enough. i would love to just paint over everything in white just let any sign of me trying to exercise my creativity disappear.
I suppose a blank canvas only works if you can put the past behind you, I can;t because i am so weak all the time from lack of caring and thus in that weakness shines through my vulnerability. o how i want to be loved and included and actually a part of a normal existence but i'm not destined for a normal existence i haven't since i was seven. The day i look in that mirror and realize i love myself maybe then i can create friendships and find love. but i truly detest who i am and i suppose it shines through for everyone else to see.
I am in one of the most beautiful cities in the world and am in fear of going to the Uffizi and seeing the Botticelli's. i'm afraid because once i see them i have no purpose no locus of reason to stay. i also am in fear because what if i see them and they don;t move me and i am just left an empty hollow shell of a human being
filled with regret for believing art could combat her suffering.
That was very moving Gianna. Thank you for being brave enough to share that with us!
ReplyDeleteLife is a series of transitions. If you are at college age, then it is not unusual to close the book on many childhood friendships. This happens very commonly. It happens again in a few years time when all college friends settle down for work and in relationships. have families etc.
In fact, when you hear of cases of people who have 'known each other since they were 5' this is often the exception rather than the rule.
Do you know, some of your comments about seeing Botticelli made my spine tingle - I will be going to Florence for a couple of weeks and am also feeling a sense of apprehension!
This city, and all the art and history and wonder within really occupy a magical place in our imaginations... how can reality ever hope to aspire to that?
I really cannot say how I will be affected. All I can say is that I am going to be open minded and patient and also see it as many times as I can to make sure the mental images I take home with me will be long lasting.
I wish you all the best on your personal journey.
Kind Regards
H
threepipeproblem.blogspot.com